The Endless Cycles of Return
I met you at a young age,
because I was curious.
curiosity killed the cat (and many people too, I’m sure)
Back then I didn’t get the memo, though.
And you looked mysterious
enough for me to pursue you.
You were sweet to my teeth,
so I craved you deeply, like sweets.
But at some point, I realized you
weren’t for me.
That your presence ached my teeth,
and pained my stomach.
So I tried to leave,
but I failed miserably.
Because when I thought you were something I craved occasionally,
I was wrong.
you were.
But not anymore.
You’re now the oxygen,
I breathe;
a necessary poison.
My water in the drought;
a necessity I can’t live without.
But as I continue life with you,
knowing you’re wrong for me
but I need you,
I realized you were planting
rotten roots in my heart,
corrupting the good parts that I loved so much,
dimming the brightest places in the nooks of my heart.
So I tried to part ways with you again,
and as expected, you held me tightly.
Making it impossible for me to detach myself from your arrest,
very unlikely…
Especially when you moved in
without my consent.
Alarm bells went off in my head.
I knew I needed to kick you out,
because you didn’t care.
You didn’t mind killing me
as long as you got your rent-free
house, a soul to latch on,
and a heart to practice painting
with your darkest inks,
as I sat here and bled.
I made a plan on how to leave you.
And I tried every chance I got.
I would leave you for days,
only to come back
like a moth
to the flame.
But I would sober up
and try again.
I would stay away for longer.
Then one day,
my worn-out brain,
broken heart,
aching limbs,
would seek you out.
Search in the light,
until they see a dark corner.
They know it’s your hiding spot.
Reuniting with you
throws a bucket of ice-cold water
to my traitorous form,
and shakes me awake,
ignoring any prologue.
Etched on my face,
unmistakable,
you’d see regret.
But you won’t leave.
Because you don’t care,
as long as you have a body
to take over
like a parasite.
I run away from you,
but the smirk on your face is undeniable.
You know you made it to the deepest
crevices of my soul,
that even I can’t reach to get you out.
You turned my heart to charcoal,
And now I’m unrecognizable.
I whisper a prayer in the dark.
Asking for forgiveness,
for meeting you again,
when I promised I would not.
Arrows of self-hatred
aim at my heart.
I pray to be forgiven
for what I have done.
Younger me should’ve seen the reek of darkness,
around you.
How you make me feel unworthy.
And how you were taking over me;
slowly but surely.
I shouldn’t have played with fire,
knowing how biting the flames are.
I should’ve stayed away from you,
after seeing you perform.
But the wrong curiosity kills all mankind,
with no mercy.
I wonder how long it will take,
till my tired form
stops searching for you every day.
How long will it take,
to unweave those
well-knotted threads I’ve been subconsciously creating,
since that day.
I know one thing for sure, though:
That I will fight every time
you come back knocking at my door,
every time my limbs seek you out,
I’ll seize control.
Don’t surrender to your bad habits
or they’ll consume you whole.
It is important to always seek repentance when you commit a sin, no matter how big (or small) it is and no matter how many times you go back to that wrong habit. No sin — nothing — is above Allah’s mercy. When asking for forgiveness — making tawbah — remember to be sincere, be genuine about wanting to stop doing the sin, be regretful of your actions and strive to change yourself for the better.
Allah SWT said in surah Nuh:
(سورة نوح) فَقُلْتُ اسْتَغْفِرُوا رَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ كَانَ غَفَّارًا
Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft-Forgiving (Surah Nuh)
Knowing this, remember to say sayyidul istighfar which is the superior supplication for a believer to recite to seek forgiveness from Allah.
I hope you enjoyed reading this! Remember we all do wrong things, have bad habits and are addicted to something or the other. But for us to move further in life we need to let go of everything that weighs us down, so reflect on your actions and start the journey of giving up what weighs you down.
Thank you for reading!
