I tend to create a gap between me and whoever narrates my writings.
I take on a different feeling, character, creation or even object to carry my thoughts and beliefs; my ideas and creativity.
I’m not sure why I lean into that, why I steer away from writing as me- Maria, the passionate student who loves all forms of creative self expression.
Maybe it’s because of the freedom it gives me, the liberating feeling when you leave your identity and hop into something else’s. When you sit down and try to understand the intricacies of their existence- or how the object would be if it came to life. What’s its view points and what does it have to say? The idea of becoming something else all too appealing when I can never escape being me in the real life.
I’m not sure why I steer away from writing as me, Maria, a girl with ideas all around the place and ambitious so high I question if i’ll ever get to achieve them.
Most of the times, I understand authors and writers who’ve decided that their work should only be published when they die. Because it’s not easy to muster the courage to showcase your work: your vulnerable thoughts; your vivid ideas; the stories you’ve carefully put together. It’s hard to put yourself out there when you don’t know what you’ll face; rejection, criticism, reality-checks — praise and compliments — or nothing at all.
But I am a curious person. Always have been. So I decide to post writings, too curious to see what could happen. The idea of someone reading it- getting inspired by it, a shot of dopamine- something that gets my heart pumping every time I think about it.
But maybe I’m not confident enough in myself, in my thoughts, my beliefs, my ideas, my presence; that I need the shadow of something else to hide behind. The credibility of a known emotion, the veil of an imaginary character. Maybe I don’t think people will listen if it’s me whose speaking, me whose telling the stories I’ve always imagined or the lessons I’ve gathered. Maybe becoming someone else makes my writings more interesting than if it was me talking to the mic.
Maybe I’m scared of giving people a portal to my mind; giving them access to my every thought. How can I be myself and make myself vulnerable on the internet, when every word leaves behind a digital footprint?
Yet here I am beginning to try.
I think I have an idea as to why I steer away from writing as me, Maria, the girl who loves creative writing and expressing her thoughts and ideas.
“How can people share everything on the internet without any worry like that?” I wonder a lot of the times. But I catch myself and remind it that I don’t know what goes through their minds-as they click that publish button, and write what happened in their day lives. Sharing with the world the produce of their harvesting.
Maybe everyone who writes, shares their writing despite doubting if they should at all. Perhaps they all worry about being too unguarded, but that still doesn’t hinder them from sharing their work. Maybe I’m not the only one facing this battle against myself. Maybe it’s something worldwide, but no one allows it to be the end of their creative journey- just like I should not.
I don’t think i’ll ever stop transforming myself into an emotion or fictional character to convey my message — but I know I will do my best to be the narrator to some of my writings. To bridge the gap between me, Maria, and the personas who usually narrate my writings.
And this article marks the journey I’m embarking on. One where I learn to speak confidently as myself, bridging the gap between the personas I create and the person I am.
